|
Philip How - age 4 Son of Schuyler and Holly How, Sylacauga, Alabama Summer How, sister - age 7 Using Kids Coins since June of 2004
November 21, 2005 We took all The Kids Coins out and sat on the floor to talk about each one. Being familiar made the first discussion about what we were doing easy. Just an easy “re-fresher course” for us both. Philip was amiable through-out. We set out the Coins for what we were about to do (Daily Tasks, Put Away Time, Music Time, Dress Time, Hair Time and Learning Time). Then we talked about which faces we wanted to be today. We went through each one and made their face to each other. Then Philip picked out Happy, Friendly, Lovable and Kind. Then we got out the Helper Coin so “Mommy could be Philip’s big helper.” I helped him get each task started and told him to let me know when he was finished. (what this really meant was I found something to do in the next room where I could talk to him about what he was doing. He would tell me as he finished something and what he was moving on to do.) While all the activities were going, we listened and sang along with the Kids Coins CD. I’m playing it straight through right now so we can learn the lyrics. That way I’ll know them and be able to break out in song when the behavior warrants something. I’ll be a walking musical! Once we completed the activities up to Learning Time, Philip put up his first Gold Coin. I went back and played “I See Gold Coins” on the CD and danced with him a minute. Then I got out his little desk and writing tablet. I wrote 1 – 9 and told him it was time to practice writing numbers. I set-up my laptop to do my own office work while Philip worked next to me. At one point I realized he was scribbling on the paper. (This was an issue in school when he didn’t want to do his written work.) I said, “Philip How. That scribble-scrabble is not acceptable. You wrote all these beautiful numbers here and look at this mess.” He said, “But, my hand was too tired to write.” I told him, “ I realize you can feel it in your hand, but you still must do your work neatly.” I took a new page and only re-wrote the numbers he didn’t even try to write. Then I told him to only write them three times (he had written one number about 12 times). As he wrote them I looked more frequently and commented on how nice a loop or line was. He made every effort to write well. Gold Coin Two Star went up with lots of hugs and compliments. I let him have his “reward” to watch a “no fighting” kid’s show while I got ready for work. Once I was ready I checked and he had gotten on his shoes and socks with the first request. He was in a chipper mood. I told him that since we had worked so hard and had such a great day, he needed to put one more Gold Coin out. Coin 3 was our “great day” Coin. I dropped a very happy, little fella’ off at his Nana’s house. He loves and respects his grandparents. When I hugged him good-bye I told him he could have his reward. Schuyler picked the children up from Nana’s and Philip came to tell me, “I had a great day at Nana’s!” “Did you mind your Nana?” He said, “Yes.” “Did you have to sit in time-out?” He said, “No, not even for a minute.” I asked him if he was a big helper and picked-up his mess. He said, “Yes.” Schyler had confirmed that his Mom commented on their great afternoon. I gave him lots of praise and hugs. Then I said, “Do you know what this means?” He said, “I get my next Gold Coin!” He was thrilled about it. We put up all the Coins for the evening. (Wash Time, Meal Time, Teeth Time, Bed Time and Prayer Time). When everything was finished, Philip put Goldie in the display for our “great Kid’s Coins Day.” I played the Kids Coins Theme song. We said his prayers. Things I realized today: • Philip needs more observing of activities and praise than I normally offer • He gets very frustrated by not being understood • He is a charming and witty little guy • Philip can count to 12 in Spanish The thing he misses most about not going to school is Spanish class • He loves to rhyme words • I am so blessed with this child - What a treasure (I look forward to talking to the counselor at Dr. Dobson’s counseling center) Tuesday – 2nd Day: November 22, 2005 We had a great day!! (…in the end) It started off immediately wrong when he had to turn off the TV 10 minutes before the show was over. I knew it was coming so I was ready for action. We went right for the Coins. I immediately said, “Philip you can’t act like this. This is exactly what school said is not okay. Tell me which Coin shows how you feel right now. Who’s face are you?” He said, “I’m So, very Sad.” I asked, “But, why are you sad, little man?” “Because I can’t watch nuffin’.”I corrected him, “Anything.” He said, “Because I can’t watch anything.” "TV isn’t something to make us sad or happy. It’s just there for when ever we turn it on. Mommy and Daddy don’t get to watch TV at work and Philip doesn’t get to watch TV when it’s time to work or play outside or take a bath. We watch TV after everything is done.” I had him put up So Sad. He wanted to put Happy beside So Sad instead of on top. Normally this episode would have been a power issue of me resorting to threatening punishment if he didn’t stop acting out, which usually digressed into time-out or a spanking if he lashed out. Direct defiance is not acceptable. Then we got out the various "I Can Do It" Coins and made our choices together. A call I was expecting came in and I was on the phone 5-7 minutes. When I came back into Philips' room, he had started the Kid’s Coins CD and was singing the Kid’s Coins theme song while picking up his room. I hadn’t told him to do anything, but we had talked about what “Daily Tasks” and “Pick-up Time” were so, he had gotten busy. Philip got to put up his first Gold Coin for getting started without me. We progressed on with other things without a hitch. At one point when we were wrapping up I took him to the chart and we talked about the things we had done and the Coins he had earned. We also talked about the two I'm Feeling Coins. That’s when I placed Happy over So Sad and asked Philip if Happy wasn’t better. He said, yes. I didn’t go into the office today. We went to a 1st grade play at Summer’s (Philip's sister) school. Philip was irritated with me for making him wait to go to the bathroom. One of those moments where they announce they need to go JUST as the show starts. He stomped his way to the potty AND BACK, then made the “I’m mad at you” pouty-face. (This is where his teachers lose him.) When he tried to go limp on me I leaned over to make him sit up straight and told him I didn’t know why Testy Coin was hanging out with us, but it was time to be the Happy Coin. He made a weak attempt to smile. I said, " I see you faking that smile.” He laughed and said, “Well you shouldn’ta made me wait so very long when I had to use the bathroom.” I had to laugh. I told him I had every reason to make sure Summer wasn’t in the first song. I told him he wouldn’t wet his pants in 2 minutes. Even though I was upbeat with him, he was angry-acting. He intentionally wore his frowniest face. He’s such a pain when he’s like this. This brings out the worst in both of us. I just kept talking to him like he wasn’t being difficult and I kept cajoling him into a laugh or smile. He wanted to be mad. I finally told him he could wear the Testy Coin face and get a spanking, or he could wear the Happy Coin or the Kind face. It occurred to me that my face probably looked exactly like his at that moment, so I just held him in my lap and let him chill. By the time Summer sang towards the end, he was better. When it ended he was being his normal chatty, charming self. We checked Summer out of school and we chose our daily Kids Coins together. Philip was ready at the display each time to handle the Coins. He knew the routine. It was another Goldie day in the end. Things I learned today: • I’m reminded my child has his own nature…but, is also learning mine and his father’s. Good and bad. • The brooding face is most often a “put-on.” He wants something to happen and tries to bully me But, he’ll tell me what’s up if I ask him. • Philip is curious and bright. Such a sweet guy to chat with. • Eliminating the PlayStarion2 was a good thing. Every 4th sentence is no longer related somehow to his video game. (Our idea was to make this a Saturday morning event. We began letting him play before dinner and most of Saturday. Even though it was only Sponge Bob, he became obsessed with playing. In a few weeks we'll try a Saturday morning reward - no time soon.) Thanksgiving with family- away from home – 3rd -8th days: November 23 - 27, 2005 Kids Coins helped me keep Summer and Philip on track with wrapping up their rooms while I prepared for travel. The CD helped us all have fun while working (all TV’s were off. THIS IS CRUCIAL!) Packing was not stressful. I only travel with three activity toys per child. Philip’s Kids Coins mini bags traveled with us. Because my children are, for the most part well-behaved, family visits are not a harassment for anyone because of careless or rude children. The babies are both treasured and praised by everyone in their lives. I used Kids Coins a few times and we talked about them throughout the day. At one point he offered something to his sister just to be sweet. I said, “Hey, man! That was a Gold Coin moment! That was such a kind thing to do.” He said, “Yeah! I’m the So Very Kind Coin.” I refer to Kids Coins to change from a negative to a positive option by asking Philip to choose which "I'm Feeling" Coin face he wants to be. Once he calms down, I can talk to him about why he's mad. Sometimes I just said, "I'd sure like a big hug from Lovable right now." While giving hugs, I would thank him for working so hard to not pitch a fit. Each day there were numerous times the dark cloud of doom would fall over Philips' face. Kids Coins have already made such an impression that we are very quickly addressing the issues. I look forward to less frequency out breaks. I Spoke with Lon Adams, counselor at Dr. James Dobson’s counseling center. (Note: Mr. Adams has a M.A. in counseling and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Colorado). Mr. Adams told me he worked for eight years in a youth delinquency center for children 7-10 years of age. I couldn’t believe any such place was needed. I gave him about 10 minutes of history on Philip and explained our activities with Kids Coins. He stressed that I was exactly “on target” with the reward based program to help instill a desire for positive reinforcement. He told me that unlike a child who was being left to raise himself, I had a much harder task of trying to instill compassion and respect in a strong-willed child. When I told Mr. Adams that I had arranged to work half days in my office to enable me to work directly with Philip using the Kids Coins Program while working in my home office, he stressed that I had already done exactly what he would have stressed was needed. He told me that my hope of being able to reintroduce Philip into school in January was highly unlikely. He explained that this was not going to be a quick fix. Many children literally decide they are going to ignore instruction from others. He said that if I can convince my employer to allow me to continue this program through the summer, Philip MAY be able to begin Kindergarten next August with success. He said that he would give us 80% success rate, because this type of behavior in a boy is not easily altered. He also stressed that we must be prepared to face Philip challenging these principals. Mr. Adams told me that he couldn’t suggest anything other than exactly what I've done…changing my job schedule to allow me…the mother…to give my child behavioral instruction. He said the reward program I described with Kids Coins is the exact positive reinforcement this type of child needs to groom a healthy attitude and character. He said that their organization had stepped out to practice what they preached by allowing their staff who were parents to arrange their hours for the same purpose. I was very encouraged by his opinion considering his personal background and experience. I can only pray my employer will respect my proven work ethic and need to care for my child. We are meeting with a child psychologist in January to confirm our work with The Kids Coins Program. The journaling is an account of the last two months using the Kids Coins program. Once again the results were immediate. Once again, we are grateful to Janet for this tool and her consults. We would like to reintroduce Philip into Knollwood. But, we don’t know if it’s too soon. I pray you see hope for yourselves in what you read here. We’ll keep you posted!! God bless! Holly How
• Marble City Baptist Daycare Documentation October 29, 2002 Marble City Daycare Dear Jessica: After the humiliating experience when you and four other teachers confronted Philip and I in front of all the other children regarding his behavior, I am removing Philip from Marble City Daycare effective immediately. The fact that this child was fully potty-trained only a few weeks prior to starting Marble City was made clear. I have asked repeatedly to be made aware of Philip’s negative behavior in the form of a “sad note” that he sees the teacher write to help Philip understand what he is being disciplined for doing. Every single day, except one, Philip has a “smile” on his conduct sheet this month yet I am confronted almost daily by an afternoon helper regarding some behavior that they felt was wrong. It’s always done in the presence of everyone. When you informed me that Philip was in the bathroom slamming the door repeatedly, making accusations in front of the teachers, students and parents, I left with Philip and questioned him in the car. I asked him why he was banging the door. He replied, “Because I was pooping and it kept banging me in the head.” I asked him why the teacher didn’t shut the door, and he replied, “Because she wasn’t there.” I have watched the youngest children take themselves to the bathroom unattended. I was not surprised to hear he had no help. I could envision him sitting there with the door falling open and him pushing it shut. It probably became a game. It also explained why most days he has fecel matter stuck to his fanny and underwear. He is only three and needs care! While Brenda took a few weeks to find a way to work successfully with Philip’s strong-willed personality, you and the other ladies have made it more than obvious that you find him difficult. You humiliate us both instead of working with me confidentially regarding his issues. When I arrive in the morning and leave in the evening, NO ONE says, “Good morning, Philip!" “How are you today!.” NO ONE says, “See you tomorrow.” Most days, a woman simply hands me the sign-out board without so much as a greeting. To be required to sit in a little desk the bulk of a day is ridiculous for little people. Not being allowed to speak at lunch or play in the gym on a rainy day is depressing. Last Wednesday the straw that broke the camels back. This is not a loving, nurturing environment. This is not the environment to help Philip learn compassion and consideration. At three years old, learning to be kind and play well with others is most important. The woman working the holding room this morning was new to me. She was cheerful and charming. You need personalities like hers throughout your facility, not just one morning out of eleven weeks. Sincerely, Holly How • Mrs. How states that Philips' morning teacher at Marble City Baptist Daycare cried when Philip was removed. The teacher stated that Philip was "my star!". This teacher took two weeks to find a way to successfully work with Philip. This is when he was able to produce a "Happy Face" every day of the month. • During the afternoons, Philip would walk 30 yards to the far end of a gym unattended to use the bathroom. The classrooms contained tiny desks lined in rows with very little wall decorations. Children were in their desks in front of a TV, doing work, eating, or on the playground. There were no "centers" or "activity areas". • Mrs. How states that she believes, while taking responsibility for Philip at home, that the problems with Philip were a combination of a strong-willed child and the "wrong" people assigned to care for him. Names have been changed to protect the staff members who have not been informed of this publication. |
